Friday, October 4, 2013

What shampoo is that?

Today on the train I miraculously found a person who has a thing for smelling hair. I had it up in a bun, you'd think that was deterrent enough.
As I read my book. A man standing holding the bar above me asks... "What kind of shampoo is that?" Mind you I thought he was on the phone or asking someone else. I kept reading and he tapped my shoulder. "What kind of shampoo is that?" I look at him still confused and I say "Huh?" He then says "Can I smell your hair? Your shampoo smells nice" Mr. Cheerful just scared the crap out of me... I stare at him dumbfounded and I just say it is grapefruit scented shampoo. He leans in, I scoot away, he sniffs, and he says "Nope that's not what I smell." I just smiled awkwardly and tell him "Well that's what the bottle says." I get up and move to another seat. That was super creepy. I usually don't break my nerve I just sit there and ignore.
The passengers around me were just as stupefied as I was. He just smiled and got off on the next stop.
What was that all about!? I swear I need to start wearing a hat, closed toed shoes, and a carry a cubicle or something. What about me says "Weirdos Stop Here for Inquiry"
One will never know....

The many colorful moments on public transportation...
-Mucky Molly

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Apparently "Injured" is in?

So much to my dismay I stepped on a bee. This later became a problem when it got infected. Later the doctor cut it out. So now I am bee part free. Although now a chunk of foot is missing I have to hobble around in an injured foot boot.

Enough background now to the story.

Today on the train as I ambled up the walkway I sat down and was gloriously alone for about 0.5 seconds. This man sat next to me. I edged away and placed my back pack on my lap for distance purposes. He slid closer and I put on my concentration face. I was reading on my phone and I popped on my headphones. He was leaning far too close and I looked up. He said he was reading the book over my shoulder. But that I was reading too fast. I sort of glared at him and put my phone closer to my face. I figured grumpy women aren't something to mess with. I thought he got my drift... but no, not my luck. About 20 minutes later it was my stop. I wobbled out of the train. Then Mr. Over the shoulder reader asked me, "Is that boot permanent?" I answered confusedly back at him, "NO."  Then he said "Aww, too bad you have a cute limp." I just stood there burning holes into him with my stare... All he did was laugh. Since when did "injured" become synonymous with cute? I'll never understand it.

Tuesday a guy asked me if he could carry me down the stairs. I said, "no thank you" and kept on my merry way. He later followed me to the escalator on the next stop asking if I wanted a piggy back ride. I once again scowled at him and said, "NO THANK YOU." He smiled, walked away, and blew me a kiss. SAY WHAT! I just sort of stood there all confused.

Monday as I was waiting to get picked up from the train station a guy asked if he could kiss my boo boo. I just frowned at him. He just kept on smiling and walking away.

Ok this all tells me I need a better angry face because so far it's not intimidating anyone! GEEZ! Or maybe I need to start wearing a trash bag as my outfit.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Bag Lady

Hello All,

Another trip on the train another story to tell. On the way home yesterday a very packed train took me home. As I was squished into a corner a Bag Lady came onto the train. Literally wrapped in discarded clothes and black trash bags. She pulled in her large bag on wheels and began to recite what she called "scripture" she was praying for all us lost souls on the train. I let her go at it. It wasn't like I was really paying attention when I had a book in front of me. 

What I should have been doing was watching out for her sermons. She began to rant and rave about women's beauty being used as Satan's temptations. Not that I was dressed like a hoochie or anything like that she just invaded my space and started shaking a very stinky and ratty bible at me. She pointed into my shirt. (Memo to self always wear an undershirt no matter how good the shirt fits). She aptly pointed out that women's breasts were a conduit of Satan's temptation. Her grubby finger about an inch into my shirt scared the shit out of me. I couldn't believe just how quick this rather large bad lady moved. She went and poked at other ladies shirts too and none of us had a moment to react. Poof grubby fingers in 4 women's shirts. So I pressed close to the passengers next to me to huddle. Safety in numbers and all that jazz. Bag lady ranted and raved about another woman passengers "whore make-up" and how the another woman dare wear a skirt above the knee. At the next stop our kind train conductor asked her to step out. While hustling her out at the next stop she kept calling him stupid over and over again while the doors closed in her face. 
 
I kept wondering if everyone dressed like her and wandered around like a Bag Lady if she'd be happy?

Friday, August 2, 2013

Open Letter to Mr. Foot Grabber

Dear Mr. Foot Grabber,
 
Yes, I am talking to you sir. First of all let me tell you that when you are riding a public train just because your seat neighbor has opened toed shoes does not mean "please grab my foot." First of all yes, I love cute shoes and furthermore, yes, they looked damn cute! But just because you asked for the time, which I supplied to you in a timely manner does not mean I was dying for a foot rub. I would appreciate you to leave all people alone on the train, wait make that in all public settings. Do not interrupt reading, bobbing of heads to music, or plain old spaced out. Refrain from grabbing body parts that are not your own. I was obviously into a book, listening to music, and ignoring my surroundings. This was not an invitation to publicly announce you have a foot fetish. While I innocently swung in beat to my music. (Yes, I am that short my feet dangle about 2 inches off the floor.) There was no need to karate kid your way into grabbing onto my big toe. I yelped like a kicked puppy. You scared the crap out of me! I would have appreciated you to have let go of my foot as I pulled away from you not the fact that you grabbed my shoe heel. No it was not me being cute or a drama queen that was my angry face! You had no right to announce to the crowd on the train how cute my feet are. Most people just glance and move on. Why can't you opt to take that route? Or maybe consider becoming a professional foot rubber so people bring their feet to you! May I also point out that if I hadn't been off balance I would have kicked you in the face. Maybe it was the glaring of the other passengers maybe you finally realized you were being creepy but thank you for not driving me to violence and letting go of my foot as my stop arrived. Also I would have liked to have had the time to not just gape at you like a fish out of water but what do you say to that?! So I write you this note. Please stop grabbing feet! There are plenty of people who enjoy that. Just look them up on craigslist or some weird dating site. Leave hapless stranger feet alone! 
Still freaking out,
Mucky Molly

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Public Transportation

Hello out there,
Mucky Molly here reporting for duty. Sorry for the long silence but I just barely finished my degree and can now resume my social life and writing. Well mostly just writing...

I take the train to downtown LA everyday for work. I found myself texting a friend almost everyday with a silly quip from my adventures on the train. So he suggested I write them down and now I am.

From the very beginning of my commute to LA I've taken several trains and have encountered a wide variety of the Angelino population. I haven't the foggiest who they are or where they come from but they've been a great source of entertainment.

On one of my first years on the train you always see the mad dash to catch all trains even if there is another one coming in 5 minutes. There is never a lack of interesting drama on your way too and from work.

One random sunny afternoon after pushing my way up the escalators to the train terminal I made my dash to the quiet car. I sat down and started to unload the iPod, the book, and possibly reading emails. Before I get to put on my headphones I heard some very distinct heavy breathing and wheezing. I was wondering what that was all about as I saw an oversized woman lumber onto the train. She then sat down patted her forehead with a napkin. She looked just about comfortable when she reached into her purse and pulled out a cheeseburger. She dug in without a care in the world. You would think after a jog like that she'd have a Gatorade or water but no, she needed to re-hydrate with a greasy burger.

This was one of my first stories to ever get filed away in the old memory bank. I've been taking the train now for almost 4 years. So there is much much more to discuss.

I'm not a very tall lady so I tend to make extreme moves to get a seat because I really can't reach the overhead bar. Much to my dismay I did not get a seat but I still managed to cram myself into a nook between the wall and the retractable doors. As I was crunched between 4 adults and what appeared to be a very sticky child I waited until people began to pour out at their destinations. I manage to get a seat and stare off into space. Not enough room to actually pull my book out of my backpack. Then finally my stop is not too far off and as I push through the mass of people an older man maybe in his 60s-70s pats me on my head and says I am a very cute little girl. I try to understand what type of comment that was and why he was in my personal space... As I look like a confused moron I step out of the train and he laughs and waves goodbye from the window. Did I know you Mr. I-Don't-Care-About-Personal-Space? Or did he just assume it was a necessary comment? I will never know...

Speaking of personal space. One time on the train to work I had a very large woman sit next to me on the train. I figure she spotted the smallest gazelle out of the herd and figured she'd monopolize on all the extra space. As she sits down next to me her arm fat is sitting across the left part of my body. Like a gigantic Michelin man seat belt she hunkered down and got comfy. The whole time I'm thinking "thank god it isn't hot or I'd be a sweaty mess from just her arm." How do you say "excuse me your gigantic arm fat is squishing me" without hurting said gigantic woman's feelings? So I kept quiet and thanked my lucky stars that it wasn't hot and that I wasn't suffocating. WOOT WOOT Silver Lining! Her arm keeps getting heavier and heavier and I don't think I can get her tentacle off me at this point. When it is finally her stop to get off she PEELED her arm off of me and bustled out of the train. At first I was grossed out and figured it would be too late to go home and change. Then I realized. If we got into a train accident she'd have been my human seat belt. I would not be ejected from my seat. Always a cup half full type of gal!

The other day on the way to work I grab a seat next to an older lady. She is chomping away at some sunflower seeds and spitting the shells on the floor. When the train obviously says no food or drink. I guess it is just a suggestion. While my little old lady seat partner made an ever growing pile of trash a business woman zooms up to my seat after she realized I caught her staring. Okay I think to myself "is my skirt tucked into my panties? or do I have something on my face?" She sits right behind me and asks "I love your wig, where did you get it? I would love to have one just like it!" At first I think oh man this has to be a joke? Right? But she was deadpan serious! I say "uhm nope this is not a wig." She says "It's ok I wear weaves all the time!" She was super enthusiastic the whole time. I stare at her and then to make a point I pull on my hair. I say "See it is attached to my head it is not a wig." She looses her composure and starts scowling at me. I say "I'm serious it is not a wig you can touch it just to feel for yourself." She got really mad "I just wanted to know about where you got your wig you don't need to be rude about it!" She stormed off back to her original seat. Then for two more stops she glared at me and got off at her stop. The woman across from me who saw the whole thing looked at me and we busted up laughing! She was really impressed by "no offense taken" personality because she said had it been her she would have yelled at her.

Just the other day on the train ride home. I was reading, listening to music, and texting all at once. This is "I'm in my own bubble leave me alone" stance. Hardly does it ever work but I try! There were three seats in this row. I was in the furthest left and some guy was on the furthest right. I was laughing at a funny Facebook posting and I laughed out loud. After placing my comment on the post I look up and dude is sitting right next to me. I figure he was in the sun and wanted shade? Well whatever it was I just kept on reading. He kept scooting over and kept infringing in my personal space. For about a whole 2 minutes he was on the verge of tapping my shoulder. My pops always tells me "don't let them know you're spooked" so I didn't want to appear like I was on the verge of pepper spraying this random dude. So finally the tap comes and I turn my head. He's been talking and I didn't catch a word he was saying. I pop out the ear bud and I say "Huh?" he then looks down and then says "... uhh... never mind." then I said "Ok" and put my headphones back on. Then he re-taps my shoulder. Now I'm just getting annoyed. I turn around again with a confused look on my face and he points out the window "mumble mumble mumble palm tree mumble mumble mumble running trail don't you think?" I looked at him totally confused and I said "I don't know about the area sorry..." I turn back to my book and then I feel him breathing on my face I turn around and he's trying to kiss me! I quickly block with my eReader. SMACK right in the face and he looks bewildered like I just kicked his grandma or something. Then he reaches into his backpack and puts on sunglasses. I almost bolted from my seat but he eventually moved to the seat right in front of me. Then I notice that he is crying... Oh my goodness, who thinks to themselves "I'm gonna put the moves on this chick who is absolutely not paying attention to me then cry and pout in FRONT OF HER when she rejects me." Obviously this guy did and commenced to cry for three more stops. I started to pack up my stuff because my stop is not too far away. He takes this as a cue that I am getting off at the next stop. So as I zip up my bag he then stands up and waits for the door to open. He steps out and notices from the window I'm not getting out. He stares at me and then runs away like Napoleon Dynamite after his dance in front of the assembly. I just shake my head and wonder if I have a neon sign on my forehead that says "Weirdos Apply Here."

Hope you enjoy... :) True stories from your local public transportation transportee