Thursday, August 1, 2013

Public Transportation

Hello out there,
Mucky Molly here reporting for duty. Sorry for the long silence but I just barely finished my degree and can now resume my social life and writing. Well mostly just writing...

I take the train to downtown LA everyday for work. I found myself texting a friend almost everyday with a silly quip from my adventures on the train. So he suggested I write them down and now I am.

From the very beginning of my commute to LA I've taken several trains and have encountered a wide variety of the Angelino population. I haven't the foggiest who they are or where they come from but they've been a great source of entertainment.

On one of my first years on the train you always see the mad dash to catch all trains even if there is another one coming in 5 minutes. There is never a lack of interesting drama on your way too and from work.

One random sunny afternoon after pushing my way up the escalators to the train terminal I made my dash to the quiet car. I sat down and started to unload the iPod, the book, and possibly reading emails. Before I get to put on my headphones I heard some very distinct heavy breathing and wheezing. I was wondering what that was all about as I saw an oversized woman lumber onto the train. She then sat down patted her forehead with a napkin. She looked just about comfortable when she reached into her purse and pulled out a cheeseburger. She dug in without a care in the world. You would think after a jog like that she'd have a Gatorade or water but no, she needed to re-hydrate with a greasy burger.

This was one of my first stories to ever get filed away in the old memory bank. I've been taking the train now for almost 4 years. So there is much much more to discuss.

I'm not a very tall lady so I tend to make extreme moves to get a seat because I really can't reach the overhead bar. Much to my dismay I did not get a seat but I still managed to cram myself into a nook between the wall and the retractable doors. As I was crunched between 4 adults and what appeared to be a very sticky child I waited until people began to pour out at their destinations. I manage to get a seat and stare off into space. Not enough room to actually pull my book out of my backpack. Then finally my stop is not too far off and as I push through the mass of people an older man maybe in his 60s-70s pats me on my head and says I am a very cute little girl. I try to understand what type of comment that was and why he was in my personal space... As I look like a confused moron I step out of the train and he laughs and waves goodbye from the window. Did I know you Mr. I-Don't-Care-About-Personal-Space? Or did he just assume it was a necessary comment? I will never know...

Speaking of personal space. One time on the train to work I had a very large woman sit next to me on the train. I figure she spotted the smallest gazelle out of the herd and figured she'd monopolize on all the extra space. As she sits down next to me her arm fat is sitting across the left part of my body. Like a gigantic Michelin man seat belt she hunkered down and got comfy. The whole time I'm thinking "thank god it isn't hot or I'd be a sweaty mess from just her arm." How do you say "excuse me your gigantic arm fat is squishing me" without hurting said gigantic woman's feelings? So I kept quiet and thanked my lucky stars that it wasn't hot and that I wasn't suffocating. WOOT WOOT Silver Lining! Her arm keeps getting heavier and heavier and I don't think I can get her tentacle off me at this point. When it is finally her stop to get off she PEELED her arm off of me and bustled out of the train. At first I was grossed out and figured it would be too late to go home and change. Then I realized. If we got into a train accident she'd have been my human seat belt. I would not be ejected from my seat. Always a cup half full type of gal!

The other day on the way to work I grab a seat next to an older lady. She is chomping away at some sunflower seeds and spitting the shells on the floor. When the train obviously says no food or drink. I guess it is just a suggestion. While my little old lady seat partner made an ever growing pile of trash a business woman zooms up to my seat after she realized I caught her staring. Okay I think to myself "is my skirt tucked into my panties? or do I have something on my face?" She sits right behind me and asks "I love your wig, where did you get it? I would love to have one just like it!" At first I think oh man this has to be a joke? Right? But she was deadpan serious! I say "uhm nope this is not a wig." She says "It's ok I wear weaves all the time!" She was super enthusiastic the whole time. I stare at her and then to make a point I pull on my hair. I say "See it is attached to my head it is not a wig." She looses her composure and starts scowling at me. I say "I'm serious it is not a wig you can touch it just to feel for yourself." She got really mad "I just wanted to know about where you got your wig you don't need to be rude about it!" She stormed off back to her original seat. Then for two more stops she glared at me and got off at her stop. The woman across from me who saw the whole thing looked at me and we busted up laughing! She was really impressed by "no offense taken" personality because she said had it been her she would have yelled at her.

Just the other day on the train ride home. I was reading, listening to music, and texting all at once. This is "I'm in my own bubble leave me alone" stance. Hardly does it ever work but I try! There were three seats in this row. I was in the furthest left and some guy was on the furthest right. I was laughing at a funny Facebook posting and I laughed out loud. After placing my comment on the post I look up and dude is sitting right next to me. I figure he was in the sun and wanted shade? Well whatever it was I just kept on reading. He kept scooting over and kept infringing in my personal space. For about a whole 2 minutes he was on the verge of tapping my shoulder. My pops always tells me "don't let them know you're spooked" so I didn't want to appear like I was on the verge of pepper spraying this random dude. So finally the tap comes and I turn my head. He's been talking and I didn't catch a word he was saying. I pop out the ear bud and I say "Huh?" he then looks down and then says "... uhh... never mind." then I said "Ok" and put my headphones back on. Then he re-taps my shoulder. Now I'm just getting annoyed. I turn around again with a confused look on my face and he points out the window "mumble mumble mumble palm tree mumble mumble mumble running trail don't you think?" I looked at him totally confused and I said "I don't know about the area sorry..." I turn back to my book and then I feel him breathing on my face I turn around and he's trying to kiss me! I quickly block with my eReader. SMACK right in the face and he looks bewildered like I just kicked his grandma or something. Then he reaches into his backpack and puts on sunglasses. I almost bolted from my seat but he eventually moved to the seat right in front of me. Then I notice that he is crying... Oh my goodness, who thinks to themselves "I'm gonna put the moves on this chick who is absolutely not paying attention to me then cry and pout in FRONT OF HER when she rejects me." Obviously this guy did and commenced to cry for three more stops. I started to pack up my stuff because my stop is not too far away. He takes this as a cue that I am getting off at the next stop. So as I zip up my bag he then stands up and waits for the door to open. He steps out and notices from the window I'm not getting out. He stares at me and then runs away like Napoleon Dynamite after his dance in front of the assembly. I just shake my head and wonder if I have a neon sign on my forehead that says "Weirdos Apply Here."

Hope you enjoy... :) True stories from your local public transportation transportee

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