Saturday, August 29, 2015

It's too hot in the hot tub!

So I don't find myself being political too often but I cannot ignore the political temperature of my country.
I came to be a United States citizen because of my parents sacrifice to fight for a brighter future. My mother and father cried tears of blood to make it across the boarder so that they could touch their dreams. My mother crossed to escape the oppression of poverty, arranged marriage, and the yearning to be more than just a piece of property to a man. My mother comes from a little ranch where the pace of life and traditions are a throw back to the colonized beginnings of Mexico. I'm not bad mouthing my land of my heritage but theses are the circumstances dealt to my mother. She dreamt of an education, a home, and a future for her daughters. My father came to the untied states to leave behind the poverty, hunger, and political climate of Mexico in the early 70s. He dreamt of having a home, prosperity, and an education for both himself and his children.
Both my parents paid their taxes and followed the laws. They paid taxes to set up precedent that they are viable members of society and seek citizenship. My mom and pops are two of the hardest working people I know. They work from sun up to sun down. All for the dream of thriving. The American Dream, the intoxicating hope to be successful and live. My parents sacrificed their love and life for us kids. We all saw how they made it all work and how we all grew to love this land of opportunity. My parents met here in the United States. Both with the dream to be more than they ever thought they could be. Which birthed in me this love and pride for the wonderful blend of American I am. I am a Mexican American with pride and honor for both my cultures.
Growing up first generation was one huge roller coaster that just seems to keep going. The upsides are many but with the upsides come the downsides. Just like any action has its equal reaction there are two sides of the coin. In the U.S. I was rudely awakened to the harsh reality that I am too brown to be White. Filing out those ethnicity and race boxes where the micro-aggressions of my academic youth. Then visiting Mexico and not being Mexican enough. I straddled two worlds but I liked the blend. I joke around and say I'm a cafeteria Mexican American because I get to take what I want from both sides. Although some contradict each other they are complexly me.
Before school started I thought I lived in Mexico. We spoke Spanish, sang in Spanish, ate Mexican food, and held on to the comforts of our heritage. Once I started school my parents enrolled right with me and became students in American traditions along with me. I remember asking my mother "What kind of Mexicans are these kids? They don't speak Spanish, they only speak English!" My mother and father realized then although we had Mexico in our hearts it was time to make room for the United States. I taught them the pledge of allegiance, interest in American cuisine, and love for English music. Although my dad listened to it beforehand he really hadn't started to blend the music with his family. Both my mother and father learned their new language and instilled in us to do the same. We all made the effort to learn more English with each other. Switching from Plaza Sesamo to Sesame Street to embrace our new culture. We had fun practicing with each other after coming home from school.
So for their drive and desire for something more I was born and I love my cultures, heritages, and my unique family. I remember how hard my parents worked so we could be blessed with this abundance. I will never forget the truth of my origin. I will never forget the sacrifice and hard work my parents put forth. Thank you mama and papa for being the wonderful human beings that you are. I still see the struggles we faced and I appreciate your dedication. Some of my first memories are of my mother and father coming home from work. My father coming home covered in dust and dirt. Smelling of fresh cut grass and gasoline. But you still had a smile just for me. The hard work never stopped you from loving your family. My mother coming home from cleaning houses and hotel rooms. Her shirt covered in Clorox stains and her hands roughened by those harsh chemicals. But you always had a smile and embrace just for me. You loved hard and with devotion. We weren't the perfect family but we made it work. That struggle is real and some of us make it and some of us don't. But with all life's risks there is always a chance of failure. But you never gave up. Hell I still don't see you guys giving up any time soon. But I will always carry those images of my parents in my minds eye because I know where I came from.
So political climate or no, we are not a pack of ravenous wolves decimating a population, we are dreamers and hard workers. We cannot all be lumped together as criminals. Every culture and every race has its good and it's bad. I am proud of the open mind and heart I have gained from being of both worlds. Immigration is what the United States is all about we are a tapestry woven together in prosperity and times of strife. That's what the United States is all about. A United people to trail blaze brighter and stronger. Stop the political bullshit from setting us back to a time of bigotry and hate. We are so much more than that.
United we stand,
Mucky Molly

Monday, August 3, 2015

Hello again!

Hello all,
Your gal pal Mucky Molly reporting for duty! So, it's been like forever and a day since I've written an entry so I'll start with some new comings and goings. In the words of Forest Gump, "shit happens." (To say the least) Anyhow life has changed on several oniony layers. I'm going through a divorce due to discovered infidelity. Yeah got bamboozled by love. Silly, huh? Yeah I loved and lost but it showed me a rather new part of my soul.
I'm not your average bear in the sense that I loved my life routine of married life. I grew up with chaos for as long as I can remember. I really don't blame my parents because I'm an adult with the power of perspective and reflection but trust me as a kid I was resentful but that's normal I don't know that teenagers can graduate onto adulthood without it. My life was hum drum but I loved it. Silly routines with funny inside jokes. I argued about house cleanliness and budgets. It was my world with first world problems for a change. I knew things could be worse so I lived with relish knowing in my bubble world "everything was alright." (Cue the zombie feeding frenzy tapes) I'm kind of random and totally weird but I embrace it because that's who I am. So I'll use "zombiepocalypse," terminology to assist with my story. Picture it, New Years 2015... First year as a married couple then it all came to a hot decomposing halt. I discovered on my husbands phone my adult world's worst news. I'd been cheated on and for quite some time. I knew instinctively the moment I felt like the slow poke that gets pack frenzy eaten by the fast ambling zombies. My heart broke and I felt like I'd just been chomped on like some zombie designer shishkabob.
I became unhinged. I saw my life turn to ashes. I loved that man, his ridiculous quirks, even more so his extreme whey protein intolerance. I am totally weird but it's me. I loved that life was not dramatic although there were dramatic parts (first real boyfriend and "true love") rummage around your brain for teenager cliches of first loves and boyfriends, yeah that was me. Regardless of the ensuing disembowelment of my future dreams of "normal" I'm still on this long journey to discover that I'm worth it. Self esteem is like an ever inflating/deflating hot air balloon rental business. There were moments I was Leonardo Di Caprio before the Titanic eats shit. Then the zombie dinner special. Things weren't awful in my life to say it was would be a lie. I had deluded myself and that's something different. Trust me ignorance is bliss because a walked in my ignorant bubble for a while. There were signs but the "that won't happen to me" teenage belief was my go to soothing mantra. Clinging on to the hope that it was all "going to pass," "this is totally an isolated incident," "but daddy I love him!" Crap, that was my ignorant shit cloud.
Love really is blind, because through it all I loved the jerk. Now not so much but back then there could not be a better guy for me. I wanted "every thing to work out," and I let him be first above anything else inside of me. Dreams, goals, milestones, you name it were measured on him because he was my life. If he'd never cheated I'd have been an 80 year old widow for him. But no, it was the moment of truth wake up and use the crow bar on those zombies or be eaten alive with my self doubt, rage, and destroyed dream zombies. I still tried to lie to myself and "tried" to fix it but shit, you can't un-zombie the decomposing bloated flesh that was my marriage. I did napalm his ass but it only made things worse. I was so consumed with the rotting mess I was a depressed harpy.
Depression is real, I'm only making light of it because it's that or stay a quivering mess of nerves. I do not like wearing my depression publicly because I was raised to channel it elsewhere. Being visibly depressed brings pity and questions that need answers. (Story for another time) I know in the solitude of my own mind and heart that I'm depressed but I'm not letting it take power over me. Wait, let me rephrase that I am experiencing depression, because I am not Depression. (This is 5 years of therapy in the making so don't beat yourself up, we all get there eventually) I go out there and smile and work and keep loving because this is how I heal. It's not suppressed depression, I experience it, hold it, and I acknowledge it but let it go. I write, I sing, I dance, I cook, and get mani-pedis to ground me to my present. Life is beautiful and I'm grateful to have life. Things in my world aren't perfect but I'm making my way towards peace, love, acceptance, and self-esteem. It can be up and down at any moment but I chose to control my heart and soul. I can't go back in time and change any of it (although a zombie back to the future like movie would be rad) I can only grow and adapt me. It's not an easy transformation but like all things it's gradual. To say "hey look at me I'm better cause I'm married to the next guy!" would be a whole lot of bullshit.
I'm not choosing to stay away from relationships because I'm holding a torch for the Ex it's because I've got to belong to me first. I belonged to my parents for my whole life then jumped dealerships and belonged to my husband. Never was there a time I just belonged to me. I'm not in the I hate all men phase or even hating on love. That's not me. I'm a fan girl of romance, fantasy, and happy endings but I'm a realist. If I don't care about me I'm just going to keep on going with this destructive relationships where I have to belong to someone to be loved. I'm not going to sit here and tell you to believe in "God" because I say so but it's what works for me. Use whatever works for you to get you above and beyond the life obstacles you've got right now. But my faith in my Creator is a portion to my healing salve.
I choose school, faith, friends, and my belief in love to get me up from my bootstraps and keep on trucking, I do not have all the answers but I know what works for me. I know that I've only begun this journey of healing but I've got a clear intent to live up to my inner light for me. There are easy days and there are hard days but I'll take it. I don't know where I'll end up but part of the fun is getting there. I hate him so much some times and then I realize he's a phantom limb. He used to be there but now he's not. So why hate? It only gives him back my power and energy. So it's a failed attempt, not the death of my life. I mourn not for him but for the life I thought I had. I played my part, I learned a valuable lesson, and now I heal for me. Had he not done what he'd done I wouldn't have grown or even acknowledged that I defined myself by him. I'm not an accessory or an attachment I am an entity all on my own.
Being who I am is all I can do. I don't go out into my world trying to hurt others or causing a pity party. I am no ones victim not anymore. It's part of a culture that martyrs their women that makes me struggle because I run hot and cold on the "family first then I come last" mentality. We all matter, we all deserve love and happiness, and no one is allowed to make you feel "less than" and a family as a whole is beautiful. Putting it all on one person is cruel it's a team effort. Making my relationship "work" with just one person carrying the whole weight was a disaster in waiting. I see that now. Next time will be different. I can't say that it will all come out perfect but I know where my heart and soul are at this time around. I'll be more alert, alive, and awake and give it all I got. Whether it works or not who knows but I'll get out there eventually. It's not a cake walk but I know I'll master my own issues some day soon. Hey, I'm one day closer to it every day. Eventually the alive humans wise up to the horde of zombies in their back yard.
So keep loving, keep pushing for your dreams, keep your chin up, and know we are all a community in the scheme of things and maybe through blogging, talking to friends, or seeing your therapist (or a plethora of combinations) we can heal, adapt, transform, and thrive once more. Forever a foul mouthed optimist in a world of movie spoiler alerts I bid you a good night and a future forecast of accomplishment in your lives.
That bitch that everyone loves to hate, (or the sailor mouthed friend you adore hehehe:)
Mucky Molly