Monday, August 3, 2015

Hello again!

Hello all,
Your gal pal Mucky Molly reporting for duty! So, it's been like forever and a day since I've written an entry so I'll start with some new comings and goings. In the words of Forest Gump, "shit happens." (To say the least) Anyhow life has changed on several oniony layers. I'm going through a divorce due to discovered infidelity. Yeah got bamboozled by love. Silly, huh? Yeah I loved and lost but it showed me a rather new part of my soul.
I'm not your average bear in the sense that I loved my life routine of married life. I grew up with chaos for as long as I can remember. I really don't blame my parents because I'm an adult with the power of perspective and reflection but trust me as a kid I was resentful but that's normal I don't know that teenagers can graduate onto adulthood without it. My life was hum drum but I loved it. Silly routines with funny inside jokes. I argued about house cleanliness and budgets. It was my world with first world problems for a change. I knew things could be worse so I lived with relish knowing in my bubble world "everything was alright." (Cue the zombie feeding frenzy tapes) I'm kind of random and totally weird but I embrace it because that's who I am. So I'll use "zombiepocalypse," terminology to assist with my story. Picture it, New Years 2015... First year as a married couple then it all came to a hot decomposing halt. I discovered on my husbands phone my adult world's worst news. I'd been cheated on and for quite some time. I knew instinctively the moment I felt like the slow poke that gets pack frenzy eaten by the fast ambling zombies. My heart broke and I felt like I'd just been chomped on like some zombie designer shishkabob.
I became unhinged. I saw my life turn to ashes. I loved that man, his ridiculous quirks, even more so his extreme whey protein intolerance. I am totally weird but it's me. I loved that life was not dramatic although there were dramatic parts (first real boyfriend and "true love") rummage around your brain for teenager cliches of first loves and boyfriends, yeah that was me. Regardless of the ensuing disembowelment of my future dreams of "normal" I'm still on this long journey to discover that I'm worth it. Self esteem is like an ever inflating/deflating hot air balloon rental business. There were moments I was Leonardo Di Caprio before the Titanic eats shit. Then the zombie dinner special. Things weren't awful in my life to say it was would be a lie. I had deluded myself and that's something different. Trust me ignorance is bliss because a walked in my ignorant bubble for a while. There were signs but the "that won't happen to me" teenage belief was my go to soothing mantra. Clinging on to the hope that it was all "going to pass," "this is totally an isolated incident," "but daddy I love him!" Crap, that was my ignorant shit cloud.
Love really is blind, because through it all I loved the jerk. Now not so much but back then there could not be a better guy for me. I wanted "every thing to work out," and I let him be first above anything else inside of me. Dreams, goals, milestones, you name it were measured on him because he was my life. If he'd never cheated I'd have been an 80 year old widow for him. But no, it was the moment of truth wake up and use the crow bar on those zombies or be eaten alive with my self doubt, rage, and destroyed dream zombies. I still tried to lie to myself and "tried" to fix it but shit, you can't un-zombie the decomposing bloated flesh that was my marriage. I did napalm his ass but it only made things worse. I was so consumed with the rotting mess I was a depressed harpy.
Depression is real, I'm only making light of it because it's that or stay a quivering mess of nerves. I do not like wearing my depression publicly because I was raised to channel it elsewhere. Being visibly depressed brings pity and questions that need answers. (Story for another time) I know in the solitude of my own mind and heart that I'm depressed but I'm not letting it take power over me. Wait, let me rephrase that I am experiencing depression, because I am not Depression. (This is 5 years of therapy in the making so don't beat yourself up, we all get there eventually) I go out there and smile and work and keep loving because this is how I heal. It's not suppressed depression, I experience it, hold it, and I acknowledge it but let it go. I write, I sing, I dance, I cook, and get mani-pedis to ground me to my present. Life is beautiful and I'm grateful to have life. Things in my world aren't perfect but I'm making my way towards peace, love, acceptance, and self-esteem. It can be up and down at any moment but I chose to control my heart and soul. I can't go back in time and change any of it (although a zombie back to the future like movie would be rad) I can only grow and adapt me. It's not an easy transformation but like all things it's gradual. To say "hey look at me I'm better cause I'm married to the next guy!" would be a whole lot of bullshit.
I'm not choosing to stay away from relationships because I'm holding a torch for the Ex it's because I've got to belong to me first. I belonged to my parents for my whole life then jumped dealerships and belonged to my husband. Never was there a time I just belonged to me. I'm not in the I hate all men phase or even hating on love. That's not me. I'm a fan girl of romance, fantasy, and happy endings but I'm a realist. If I don't care about me I'm just going to keep on going with this destructive relationships where I have to belong to someone to be loved. I'm not going to sit here and tell you to believe in "God" because I say so but it's what works for me. Use whatever works for you to get you above and beyond the life obstacles you've got right now. But my faith in my Creator is a portion to my healing salve.
I choose school, faith, friends, and my belief in love to get me up from my bootstraps and keep on trucking, I do not have all the answers but I know what works for me. I know that I've only begun this journey of healing but I've got a clear intent to live up to my inner light for me. There are easy days and there are hard days but I'll take it. I don't know where I'll end up but part of the fun is getting there. I hate him so much some times and then I realize he's a phantom limb. He used to be there but now he's not. So why hate? It only gives him back my power and energy. So it's a failed attempt, not the death of my life. I mourn not for him but for the life I thought I had. I played my part, I learned a valuable lesson, and now I heal for me. Had he not done what he'd done I wouldn't have grown or even acknowledged that I defined myself by him. I'm not an accessory or an attachment I am an entity all on my own.
Being who I am is all I can do. I don't go out into my world trying to hurt others or causing a pity party. I am no ones victim not anymore. It's part of a culture that martyrs their women that makes me struggle because I run hot and cold on the "family first then I come last" mentality. We all matter, we all deserve love and happiness, and no one is allowed to make you feel "less than" and a family as a whole is beautiful. Putting it all on one person is cruel it's a team effort. Making my relationship "work" with just one person carrying the whole weight was a disaster in waiting. I see that now. Next time will be different. I can't say that it will all come out perfect but I know where my heart and soul are at this time around. I'll be more alert, alive, and awake and give it all I got. Whether it works or not who knows but I'll get out there eventually. It's not a cake walk but I know I'll master my own issues some day soon. Hey, I'm one day closer to it every day. Eventually the alive humans wise up to the horde of zombies in their back yard.
So keep loving, keep pushing for your dreams, keep your chin up, and know we are all a community in the scheme of things and maybe through blogging, talking to friends, or seeing your therapist (or a plethora of combinations) we can heal, adapt, transform, and thrive once more. Forever a foul mouthed optimist in a world of movie spoiler alerts I bid you a good night and a future forecast of accomplishment in your lives.
That bitch that everyone loves to hate, (or the sailor mouthed friend you adore hehehe:)
Mucky Molly

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