Monday, October 26, 2015

Day of the Dead - Dia De Los Muertos

Day of the dead or dia de los muertos is not just about one specific day out of the year. I am Mexican and the tradition goes that we celebrate for a week, each day being specific to a certain group of people, (i.e. saints, children, and so forth). But during this time of the year it is time to celebrate death. See I grew up unafraid of death. We were told and raised to believe that passing on was the end of the physical suffering and time to party on for eternity. Us, Mexican's, we know how to party hard. My pops used to say, we are all meant to die, when it's your turn, it's your turn. So as morbid as this sounds, I knew I could die at a very young age. So, you know that idea, "teach the kids about it and they won't do it?" Well, I feel that, that may have some merit. I learned about my mortality at a young age so being alive was not taken for granted. Mind you I may not be well adjusted but I have a strong respect for life and for death.
On this special time of the year we celebrate death being part of our lives. That death comes to all and is the great equalizer. Even in death we are all the same. So in the festivity of the times it is time to mourn not just the passing of my loved ones but for the small deaths that have forged me. We call these small deaths by many names, like: break ups, heart break, regrets, mistakes, and learning the truth to unveil the lies you've lived by. I mourn many losses, many of them gut wrenching. But learning the feel of this pain makes you know you are alive. I did not live these things in vain, I was meant to learn from these events. Well, memo received. My eyes are wide open. I am alive, I am not defeated, I will not lay down and "take it," and I get to start over. This death has given me the opportunity to start over again.
Farewell old me, like a snake that drops its skin, and remains the same snake. I fell in love, head first,  full blown, and a punch to the kisser. I loved and I lost. I do not regret because I gave all of me. But in the famous words of Einstein, "doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is madness." (I may have misquoted but you get the gist). So I did what I could over and over again to get him to love me above all others and it did not work. He never left me but he was on lease the whole time. He was following an impulse far stronger than what I could give him and I lived with this. Something was off the February before my marriage and I let myself stay because "if I loved hard enough," I would be enough and he would grow out of it, shake it off, or those things were all just pre wedding jitters.
First of which my dears we are all enough. Every flaw every crack or tear we have we are all enough we just have to believe in ourselves first.
I lay you to rest, the last ten years of my life were not all bad so I will commemorate the good and let that pain of the hurt fade. Goodbye ex-husband. The scars are a good reminder that this did not kill me. With time this will fade but I will remember every gory detail. The pain will subside but the memory must stay vivid in my mind so that I will not fall into another self made trap. This is now a day of remembrance. First year without you, first year of being soley being me, first year proving to myself I can, and the first year of my next chapter. With all this death I burn away the pain and the parts of me that are no longer "me." Burning down to the core of what I really am. I am a healing inspiring powerful joyful woman of light. Birthed from Mexican roots to be born in what once was Mexico. I am a child of this earth that was given the spark of life that makes me, me. I am crazy in all the ways that are perfect for me. I am joy and energy personified. The earth, wind, water, and fire build me to be the my contribution to this world. I may not be a whole lot of human but I am a whole lot of spirit. My energy is not just my physical body but the work that I do. I make an every day intentional effort to give of myself to my little corner of the world. I am far from perfect but I like the person I am. I am not changing "me" to fit what others need but I will be a building block for all those that will come after me.
In the spirit of my heritage I will celebrate this death as a beautiful transition. I had to transition to reach down and remember my real self. Celebrate the life you lead because it is the only one we have. Once we cross over into the afterlife of being joyful spirit energy we will return to our original cradle of creation. I know this one had me on the ropes and beat me up pretty good but I am built for the long haul. You most certainly will not see me on the benches. I have way too much life to live before I can return to the spirit.
Ever the dirty mouthed optimist, fucking live your life with dignity of just being YOU ;)
Mucky Molly

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Buffy Rocks!

I watched all the Buffy episodes for the first time in my life. Man, I missed out as a teen! I really see that there was so much to learn from Buffy. Aside from all the stunt double action the story lines were all about teaching something. I saw so much that was applicable to being a teenage girl. I love Buffy she's a true heroine. She was an amazing hero with real life problems not including the supernatural creepy crawlies. :P
The episode that touched me at the right time in my life is from season 7, episode 6 "Help." Buffy is a school counselor and the kiddo she's helping knows she's gonna kick the bucket on a specific Friday. In this story line Buffy does everything in her power to prevent her from dying when in the end she passes on. It was her time to go but Buffy still fought for her. The line that stayed with me for days, "what do you do when you can't help them?" She goes back to work the next day and keeps on working.
I want to be just like Buffy when I grow up. I want to keep fighting the good fight even when it feels like the odds are stacked against you. I want to be that strong heart that can just keep going no matter what. So I am making my way there and I will find the path that will keep me going. I smile now but that was a long arduous road to overcome what I firmly believed was my life. Now I am living a new life and I can feel the sun on my face again. The purpose is there but at times it's hard. I see my new purpose in my new studies and the passion I feel when I do the work that I was meant to do. What I do is a labor of love and I will keep feeding it because we can all achieve the dreams we seek it's only a matter of fighting for them.
I really felt that as a person struggling through anything we tend to give up on ourselves so quickly. We are the harshest to judge, we are the cruelest to ourselves, and the most self critical. The message I received was not to give up on ourselves. To keep fighting because we need to believe in ourselves if we ever want to be a help to others. I want a life full of happiness, love, laughter, and good health. If I live my life bitterly I give up. If I live my life waiting for the worst it's really not living.
I feel recently wrung out and spread thin. I've been pushing at 150 miles per hour just to feel like I am doing my part when I haven't been taking are of me. So I may not be made of rubber and it is now proven that I'm not made of glass because I am recovering slowly but surely. (Cue the whistle sound that makes it sound like you dropped something comically, I fell down a flight of stairs and gave myself a concussion.) I feel better now than when I originally hit the concrete and metal with a bang. So as I limp and meander around my little apartment I know that I get to start over without having to have another crash landing off the stairs. I get to take care of me and still be able to do my job.
Funny things happen when the world is telling you to slow down and you don't listen. This was my wake up call to take a good look at how I am running myself ragged. I took a little too much after the parents where we believed working really hard made it all better. When was the last time I really looked at that? Possibly when I last was at the hospital. So instead of having to have health intervene to make me look at the world around me I will be grateful and appreciative for the journey that got me here. If it wasn't for those hard falls, bumps, and bruises I would not have become the sailor mouthed queen that I am today.
Fight for your right to exist, to be heard, and that you have something to offer. We all have something to give back and grow the community around us. We just have to be courageous enough to believe in ourselves.
Gnite and remember we all mean something *hugs*
Mucky Molly