Day of the dead or dia de los muertos is not just about one specific day out of the year. I am Mexican and the tradition goes that we celebrate for a week, each day being specific to a certain group of people, (i.e. saints, children, and so forth). But during this time of the year it is time to celebrate death. See I grew up unafraid of death. We were told and raised to believe that passing on was the end of the physical suffering and time to party on for eternity. Us, Mexican's, we know how to party hard. My pops used to say, we are all meant to die, when it's your turn, it's your turn. So as morbid as this sounds, I knew I could die at a very young age. So, you know that idea, "teach the kids about it and they won't do it?" Well, I feel that, that may have some merit. I learned about my mortality at a young age so being alive was not taken for granted. Mind you I may not be well adjusted but I have a strong respect for life and for death.
On this special time of the year we celebrate death being part of our lives. That death comes to all and is the great equalizer. Even in death we are all the same. So in the festivity of the times it is time to mourn not just the passing of my loved ones but for the small deaths that have forged me. We call these small deaths by many names, like: break ups, heart break, regrets, mistakes, and learning the truth to unveil the lies you've lived by. I mourn many losses, many of them gut wrenching. But learning the feel of this pain makes you know you are alive. I did not live these things in vain, I was meant to learn from these events. Well, memo received. My eyes are wide open. I am alive, I am not defeated, I will not lay down and "take it," and I get to start over. This death has given me the opportunity to start over again.
Farewell old me, like a snake that drops its skin, and remains the same snake. I fell in love, head first, full blown, and a punch to the kisser. I loved and I lost. I do not regret because I gave all of me. But in the famous words of Einstein, "doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is madness." (I may have misquoted but you get the gist). So I did what I could over and over again to get him to love me above all others and it did not work. He never left me but he was on lease the whole time. He was following an impulse far stronger than what I could give him and I lived with this. Something was off the February before my marriage and I let myself stay because "if I loved hard enough," I would be enough and he would grow out of it, shake it off, or those things were all just pre wedding jitters.
First of which my dears we are all enough. Every flaw every crack or tear we have we are all enough we just have to believe in ourselves first.
I lay you to rest, the last ten years of my life were not all bad so I will commemorate the good and let that pain of the hurt fade. Goodbye ex-husband. The scars are a good reminder that this did not kill me. With time this will fade but I will remember every gory detail. The pain will subside but the memory must stay vivid in my mind so that I will not fall into another self made trap. This is now a day of remembrance. First year without you, first year of being soley being me, first year proving to myself I can, and the first year of my next chapter. With all this death I burn away the pain and the parts of me that are no longer "me." Burning down to the core of what I really am. I am a healing inspiring powerful joyful woman of light. Birthed from Mexican roots to be born in what once was Mexico. I am a child of this earth that was given the spark of life that makes me, me. I am crazy in all the ways that are perfect for me. I am joy and energy personified. The earth, wind, water, and fire build me to be the my contribution to this world. I may not be a whole lot of human but I am a whole lot of spirit. My energy is not just my physical body but the work that I do. I make an every day intentional effort to give of myself to my little corner of the world. I am far from perfect but I like the person I am. I am not changing "me" to fit what others need but I will be a building block for all those that will come after me.
In the spirit of my heritage I will celebrate this death as a beautiful transition. I had to transition to reach down and remember my real self. Celebrate the life you lead because it is the only one we have. Once we cross over into the afterlife of being joyful spirit energy we will return to our original cradle of creation. I know this one had me on the ropes and beat me up pretty good but I am built for the long haul. You most certainly will not see me on the benches. I have way too much life to live before I can return to the spirit.
Ever the dirty mouthed optimist, fucking live your life with dignity of just being YOU ;)