Monday, November 2, 2015

Slow Burn

What do you do when you think you're done burning something? You turn the ashes and put out the embers. I have been in a slow burn slash ember stage. If you have ever done any work with grief you know that anniversaries kick your ass. It's true you know, I feel it for reals, this is the real deal on grief. It's about reliving the initial incident. I felt the pain of it slice right through my healed up scars. I relived the first time of everything. The good the bad and the ugly. The question is how do you reflect on 11 years without feeling that painful twinge? I laugh at the ridiculous amount of pain I've known in my lifetime. Not gonna make a laundry list but damn, have I put some miles in.
Honestly my ex-partner was like the fucking icing on the cake. How did I choose him? I tell you it was really love. Like the one that burns bright like phosphorous in water. I was a cloud nine inhabitant. It was all like all I could do was love. I was head over heels. It felt pretty nice honestly. But that's the bitch of it. I remember the good. I want to be angry I want to be in rage. Those feelings are close and near to my heart. I worked off the rage for so many years they were my companions. As I get older I know I cannot be a pissed off teen again. I want to find my life to be happy and be free. But these memories are like sticky spider webs that have been leaching so much out of me. Was I not there? Was I really just a stupid bystander? No, I just wanted it to work and be real.
These embers are killing me, not literally, just emotionally. I thought it was emptied out. Like really all gone but it hurts to have people tell me about their observations and hopes about us two. You smile and nod and agree. That would be awesome to have that relationship work out. Don't get me wrong I'm not having buyers remorse. I do not want him back. He has no room in my world of today. He belongs to his own realm and I my own. When you like someone new and you feel all glowy inside it just works. I want that back. I want to be able to feel all that and not feel like I owe him anything. Why do I even care about how the world feels about this but I am tired of the "I am sorry." Louis C.K. said it best when someone tells you about divorce you don't say I am sorry. It implies you feel bad that their life is now some how shittier. I took this decision with all my heart and soul in it. I did it because enough is enough. You do not go back to someone who uses you to make his life easy to free up time for his extra curriculars. You do make someone's life easier when you love them and believe in their sincerity. Once that is all said and done you have no regrets. I do not. I do not regret my decisions. I do not regret the pain because damn it I needed to learn. I needed to learn some self love and some self respect. I did not have any of those for loving him as much as I did. But I feel like those embers keep burning and burning. No matter how much water I have tossed into the pit it won't stop this burn. I want my life back and all I seem to be doing is getting more and more anger. My rage is feeding this fire. I am the cause of my own pain. He has moved on to greener pastures and he is better for it. He can now be the person he has been hiding under the mask.
But I ask myself why do I still feel this pain? Because it hurts to have loved and have lost. I am letting go. I hurt a lot but it's because you think on the good times. He wasn't all evil but he distilled it to perfection that final year. His theater fell down and I got a full portrait of what he was. But these "good times," the stupid reminiscing has to stop. I do not want his "goodness" leaching out what remains in my heart. That belongs to me. He cannot have my future nor can he have my sympathy. He has my acknowledgment that he did what he did because it was what he wanted. Now that the trauma of the initial unveiling has resettled in my head. I bid you farewell. I am not going to let this fester. You hurt me so much and you tore out that naive young girl with her first love. Now Iam going to find the love I deserve. But right now the rubble from this decimation looks awful. I'm gonna get back to that. I am going to get back to me. The next time I feel glowy inside desreves my undivided attention and a fully reconstructed me. This bitch ain't going down without a fight. Forgiveness is real, I will not forget, this needs to remain sharp in my mind so that my heart can be stronger. Right now my heart is a bit malnourished from this time in my life. I'm beat up and a little rough around the edges so this personal TLC is waht I have to do to get back to my peace.
Peace is what everyone deserves. We are all in this together because the world is made of survivors. We can overcome it all it just takes time. This hollow feeling is that pain, that gushing wound from telling and retelling. Maybe I do need to put it on the internet. Like not just here, but like maybe put an ad in the paper or dare I say it, Facebook? Destiny's Childs song comes to mind, Survivor. LOL silly I know, but now I know about a real honest to goodness about true heartbreak, break ups, and saying goodbye. Any suggestions on how to let the world know? I'm open to it. Not slander or defamation cause I'm better than that. Or do I just find a meme? Anyhow I am gonna sleep as much as I want to wallow I am not gonna let it take over. Know that it hurts, I am human, but I'm gonna mourn with my head held high. This is a pain that slices, dices, and contourts but I am more than my pain. I am more than my trauma. But I need to scoop myself off the floor for a bit and re-insert my innards.
bitches be crazy
Molly