Thursday, February 11, 2016

Healing

Hi Everyone,
I send my love and light your way. I have been working hard and making strides in making healthier and happier decisions. Life has been strange and topsy turvy but it is what it is. I find that I have not been sitting and wondering about my past. I have been seriously working hard on not turning around and wallowing in the crap of the past. FUCK THAT SHIT LOL! I was stuck in that loop for a while but it did me a disservice, puffy eyes, and hurty sinuses. So been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and hell no I will not go back. I've been out and about and that dating scene is brutal. Both sides of the extremes and well all I know it's hard to be out there in this day and age. Funny, I sound so old LOL but really I just feel overwhelmed by all the options and all the people and situations that have left me perplexed. I am an optimistic woman and hell I'll give all sorts of situations a chance. I lived in a bubble for years then jumped into a committed relationship for 10 years and lived in that bubble. So it is my time to live it up as a poor graduate student. I am experiencing taking care of myself and just rocking me. I have a lot to live for and a lot of drive to get there. I want so much for my life, so many adventures to live, and beautiful moments to record in the old noggin'.
I am a pretty intense person, loud, and straight up crazy. But the crazy that fits me. No, not hospital status but really I am just so different and weird than the women around me. I have conversations with myself, have lots of fun playing with Mexican food recipes, nerding out with a mountain of books, dancing with my friends, doing all my work and celebrating with booze or Mexican candy, and hugging stuffed animals. I am driven and have this wonderful fountain inside of me just bubbling over with motivation, energy, and love. All of the people that are important in my life have a piece of my heart. It's been hard and arduous but I am so happy that I have survived and thrived when I thought all the odds were stacked against me. So cliche, but love is real and it's beautiful. Even when it falls apart. I do not regret the love that I have given because I know that I gave the love I have in my heart unconditionally and did not hold back. It's naive and a bit campy but really I cannot regret the love I've given with all I have inside me. This was a turning point. I thought at one point, what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I not in love with this great guy? Then you come to a straight halt and start questioning your capacity to love. I was afraid that I was not falling for someone. It was just not the person that was meant for you. I was looking for safety and just straight up being reciprocating for someone that just treats you really well. I couldn't get over this invisible barrier. There was nothing really wrong with that person but that next step about being into someone didn't happen. Then I seriously got bonked on the head with an anvil from the sky. I was not looking for anything, no boyfriend, no girlfriend, all I was looking for was having a good time being on my own since I couldn't seem to fall in love with a good person. So I figured, fuck, I'm just gonna be single for a while until my heart scabs over and that huge burnt crater refills with scar tissue. I met someone. Totally not on my plan and not really what would fit with this roaming nomadic life I had been living. It was a huge KABOOM! He makes me happy, laugh, and at times want to shake him. LOL don't tell him I said that. But I just figure we all feel that way about our partners. I find myself thinking about him and wanting to make him happy. I find a great deal of this new relationship rejuvenating and inspiring. Other times I find myself inwardly screaming at myself for catching myself fucking doing similar mistakes from my last relationship. I've been so much more alert, alive, and awake, that I am mindful of not repeating past mistakes. I have been able to really check myself before I wreck myself. I already survived that first gnarly fight and I am doing life healthier and happier. Realize that we all make mistakes. Even being passive, ignorant, and in denial all add to our choice of being in an unhealthy relationship. So in my realistic optimistic way of viewing the world I don't want to ever be blamed for "taking over my life and trying to mold me into the man you want not letting me be the man I am." I love enough to know that if he or she does not want me I can let go and let them be the people they want to be without strangling their dreams or aspirations from them. I don't need someone to come to hate and resent me when really you can't hold onto anyone if they don't want to be held. So I love with my heart open because I cannot regret loving whole heartedly. Take it or leave it, I am what I am, and I love with all of me. So I have clear intention to love honestly, respectfully, and with all my being. Be it one day or one billion days I will be honest with my love and also let go when we are not working anymore. This divorce taught me, even if I want what I want, if it is not what they want you begin to crash yourself against a rock. What's your rock? What will you do? It is not easy or painless but all things worth wile are things you work at and if you didn't work hey you gave it the best shot you had. No regrets my friends, I choose to live with a strong and inspiring heart. No one will ever dull my spark, I will fight for what makes me happy and whole, and respecting myself enough to know that I am not for everyone and not everyone is meant for me. So with dignity, respect, and honesty I choose to love the way I deserve to be loved. We all deserve the best we just have to earn it. Ok off to bed and going to dream up some fun and exciting adventures. Peace out home fries! Love, Mucky Molly

No comments:

Post a Comment